taken for mad

Going out makes me anxious, sleep patterns are topsy turvy, eating has become irregular, I laugh and cry for no reason, I smoke more, feel like drinking all the time, the prospect of work terrorfies and another thing I feel to ashamed to put here or say out loud. The week should be about getting my head on straight instead I’m getting progressively worse.

Sounds quite disturbing.

Bed is a trap for a restless mind. Avoided until exhaustion wears the mind down. All thoughts come at you when most vulnerable. There is no escaping it eventually, bed wins comforting you with its warmth while making you aware of everything all at once. A nightmare before sleep begins.

I’m not sure if its seeing the Dark Knight three times or my mental state, but i can’t stop cackling madly!

Comfortable surroundings ease the mind and protect against further breakdowns, but the test will be going out and being around a large group of people some of whom will be hard to see. I’m not confident about it yet and would have preferred another week to collect myself. No matter, I won’t cancel anything, just see how I go.

Sitting here I can feel it coming, the erratic breathing, difficulty of focus and an increase in body temperature.  For the second time it subsides and I don’t know what happened to prevent it. Was it a light drizzle before the oncoming storm or are these little jumps in anxiety all thats going take place. The experience stops me from doing things and I feel incapacitated.

Shifts for the week have been cancelled. More time must be had to get my head on straight and to prevent further panic attacks. The dosage of the anti depressants has been increased to 30mg and with a psychologist session next week I have to be optimistic about pulling through and moving on.

Had a wonderful conversation tonight which made me laugh out loud to crying point and brought up some good points. I should not be guilted into thinking anything and people that feel the need to tear you down don’t need to be associated with.

Two pieces are on the go, one has a verse and there are lines for the second. Powerful emotions and events inspire.

Gotta love it and at the same time hate it. A powerful feeling.