Nearly God.

After Tricky and an important conversation there is much to digest.

Oncoming storm.

As Saturday gets closer nervousness and anxiety starts to build. The Dan ‘o Connell had enough space for people to avoid each other, the party on the weekend will prove more difficult.

SRC

Will be back at work on Thursday next week. I feel up to it now, but glad to have the extra days.

I wonder

Trigger is a word thats been running through my brain since the Doctor mentioned it last week and I find it quite interesting. Depression in the family is hereditary, but I’m wondering to what extent I’d have had it if the triggers never happened. Years ago it happened as a result of losing friends who very distrustful and lead to quite a long time spent alone and going by the Doctor it might have caused a large chemical imbalance, because of the long time before I went to get help. The 20mg of anti’s helped for a time until a second trigger, a result of two good friends getting together coupled with the difficult decisions that were made as a result.

If my depression is hereditary then would I have always suffered from it or did the triggers unlock that part of myself?

Good times.

I miss them. Decisions and their consequences have weighed heavily on me and while I’m more certain than ever that the right decision was made I’m pleased that I can still remember the good times.

Triggernomics

The anti’s seem to be doing their job and work might be something I can actually do now. Will give it a few more days to be certain. As the trigger for the depression becomes more a thing of the past slowly and surely I’m moving on.

40mg

One thing the Doctor said stuck with me. A chemical imbalance could be due to not just from the hereditary side, but also because of the years alone. That coupled with the trigger of recent problems is probably going to take a while to rectify.

Would Rather Be the Devil

Working out why I still post is interesting. I know people read it that really shouldn’t maybe they read this for the same reasons i read theirs. Morbid curiosity? To see what one person is saying about another person? concern? just looking to see how someone is doing? I’ve resisted posting on other peoples blogs which has been hard seeing they post on mine either with ridicule or unwanted advice and with blogs that are very nasty while another that shows a lack of respect for my wishes. There have been urges to use this as a place to cut loose and let off some steam, but I’ve preferred to do the self indulgent thing  and just post about myself (personal blogs are self indulgent after all) . Write about my mental state which is the most important thing right now along with having fun with friends.

Deleting or moving this blog is probably a good idea, but I’m too stubborn. I keep hoping people will just go away or read it without posting, but thats not up to me. I’ll omit nothing people have to say.

Gloves stay on

Surprising how I’ve never taken them off. Perhaps I’m not as overly emotional and impulsive as I thought.

Truly mad

Only a mad person would continue to write a blog where the majority of the readers are people he doesn’t like.

Its kinda funny. heh