Voice

Constant compliments of something I’ve never agreed with are slowly chipping away at me. I’ll embrace and acknowledge this aspect of me one day but not anytime soon cause I think you’re all mad.

Distilled and immatured

Socially I think I’ve been at my B game and thats pretty good. I’ve been like scotch with a bit of water and some ice. The week has had it all, great conversations and insights, tits and a motorcycle smashing into a car as it did an illeagal U-turn. All enjoyed with fine scotch and cheap bottles of Red.

Seek & Seeking

I’m looking for something. A year ago someone described how they saw me and I feel like that again this time I want to look a bit harder.

Free wine

Afew things. Saturday was full of things I needed. On the way out I was pensive and unsure if I actually wanted to be out at all. My darker half is not one I want anyone to see and I was worried it would come to the fore. The Taxi to a friends place was great, because there was no talking I was not in the mood for small talk. The night out was a good small affair got to talk to a mate at length whilst having a dance and getting pissed. The Jacket still gets kind words from people and thats always good, I think it was the clothes that lead to the lesbians giving me some free wine on their way out. The only bad thing is I’m bragging about my drinking and hungover states like its something to be proud of. I’m not proud of it and actually I’m not ashamed either, its just something I should keep to myself  untill I’m ready to put some seriousness behind it.

Situation vacant?

The trust in me I promise you
I’ve no idea where I’m going

Restless and can’t sit still

After many ummings and ahhings putting on shoes and socks I stayed home. Outside it may be wet, but I’m dry, no bike ride to the booze store. Came another step closer towards help and it gave me an idea to pursue.

Thats right

I did that happy post drunk.

Lights

You know I do focus on the darker elements of my existance too much. I’m finding it hard to quit the cigs, I have lingering feelings of negativity and I’m a borderline alcoholic, but I do have another half. This half is funny, impulsive, fun and loves life! This is the side of me that jumps into things body and soul and has a lust for everything. When I’m like this I can handle a triple threat, I nearly skip down the street and I go with the flow. This fun side I dont think existed in this form since maybe childhood.

Luke is never without hope. No darkness can ever erase that.

Jesus!

Two days in a row I had the same thoughts as the MX horoscope in a row! Fucking weird.

Triple threat

If I can’t escape my thoughts during the day then what hope do I have at night when I feel the most vulnerable. Mentioned the problem I’m trying to bury (not the drinking though) to a couple of people who say the cliched “Thats understandable you’ll get over it” or “It’ll pass”. I wonder if people believe half the cliches they spit out. Gave someone a shout out and hope to hear from him in afew days as I respect his insight. Until then I’m in a dilemma. I’m constantly in a fight against this smoke addiction whose trying very hard in its death throws to reel me back in “Just one more! Have that one in the morning with coffee you love so much”. Against this darker part of myself that resents, hates and despises. It makes me stay home more and keep to myself, I don’t want anyone to see this. Finally the need to have a drink every night to drown it all out, to feel sane.

Three problems is too much. I need to do something or I’ll just crack.