Quarantines & Reunions

Tonight is going to be a blast and its weird y’know lifes damn good, but I can’t seem to shake this weary feeling that sits on my shoulders or in my stomach. Part of it is the feeling that time isn’t enough to get away from things, I need distance, I need something new. Another thing is my avoidance of the city, I’ve been twice in the month since I came back which is very unheard of. The lack of money doesn’t enter into it, just the sight of the buildings leaves me feeling cold and wanting to stay away as if it was in quarantine. But tonight none of this matters I’ll be reuniting with some people who really were a big part of this energy I have and an ability to just not give a shit and cut loose, maybe with these people I’ll reconnect with the city, if not at least I’ll have a night to remember to go with the rest.

Circly

An incredibly attractive women at work gave me a good idea to waste time during the more boring aspects of work. Circles, hundreds no thousands of circles. If I can’t think of anything to write or the person next to me is doing a survey then I do the circles. At first it was just trying to fill as much of the page as possible, now I like to do all sorts of random patterns. The surprising things is that people seem to like them. It reminds me of something my cousin said about trying my hand at abstracts. I’m not quite confident and I’m having issues with the things the same way I used to with my voice, but its another thing to explore.

This Wicked Tongue

I’d like to change my inability to convey compliments sincerely.

Triple threat

If I can’t escape my thoughts during the day then what hope do I have at night when I feel the most vulnerable. Mentioned the problem I’m trying to bury (not the drinking though) to a couple of people who say the cliched “Thats understandable you’ll get over it” or “It’ll pass”. I wonder if people believe half the cliches they spit out. Gave someone a shout out and hope to hear from him in afew days as I respect his insight. Until then I’m in a dilemma. I’m constantly in a fight against this smoke addiction whose trying very hard in its death throws to reel me back in “Just one more! Have that one in the morning with coffee you love so much”. Against this darker part of myself that resents, hates and despises. It makes me stay home more and keep to myself, I don’t want anyone to see this. Finally the need to have a drink every night to drown it all out, to feel sane.

Three problems is too much. I need to do something or I’ll just crack.

Division

There appears to be an almost 50/50 split in regards to this situation. I’m not sure whether to be comforted or unsettled.

Year 5/1

Its happening again. What I swore would never happen and tried to protect myself from ever happening again is coming to pass. I’m helpless and I feel alone. I don’t know how to stop it or who to turn to.

Actually I’m not sure if I’m upset. I’m just numb

Numb

My best friend/ex and another good friend have decided to get together and see how it goes. Apart from being devastated, I feel empty. I don’t know what to do or react. Angry? no, upset? Yes.

hmm

What do you do when you want to ask a question or get something of ya chest but don’t know how to bring it up?

Celapram

I’m not yet sure how I feel about being medicated. I suppose feeling good is the right responce, this is another step in getting better.