The weekend was great, got to hang with my buds and yeah be sloths. The thing with me though is I like an out, a chance to escape and be alone. Didn’t really get that on the weekend and I was overwhelmed and I was quieter than usual.

The fire is still there I’m happy to say. Got some plans lined up for the end of year work break and some ideas to write about. I’m going to cut down on my excesses and be more determined with things I want to accomplish.

Got my pay rise today at work and I felt quite proud of that. I never asked for it I earned it, just how I wanted it to happen. To finish the day off I had some great interactions with someone awesome then home for Californication.

Today there was a purpose in my stride and a smile on my face at the end.

I remember that fire now, the one that sent me ablaze and I set out to change. The one that caused the loss of over 20 kilos, the one that made overcoming depression the single minded focus of my life above all else

I remember the feeling of wanting to scream and doing it, wanting to achieve something and achiving it. Not breaking, but building and having will power that was shatter proof.

I see myself and I’m not happy, going from one spectrum to the other. I’m not proud I needed attention to get by and it scares me how much I just need to be alone. I’m not happy with how dirty I am, the smoking and the booze and the lazyness. I don’t write much, the ideas still come and I do nothing. I’m unhealthy and won’t do anything to get better.

When the fire came it’s a punch to the brain. I see where I am and its nowhere where I want to be. It’s come again, my family issues are not an excuse to abuse myself or be lazy.  I had a weekend of nothing but excess and returning home I felt like I’d gotten all of that out of my system. I need to reclaim self control and I’m going to. I’m not going to worry about not knowing what to do I’ll just do it instead.

Great weekend at the Smoko music festival, but I’m mentally exhausted. Too much people interaction me thinks, I had a great time I just felt a wee bit overwhelmed.

Sometimes I pimp the Prisoner and I’m not sure. This time I knew this person would fucken love it, but then again she’s not seen Fall Out yet. That’s make or break

There are joys in my life. Getting new comics and pimping them out to others, having nights out with work colleagues, seeing the girl at work with the mischievous smile and watching Californication every Monday night with a bottle of red wine.

My grandmother just wants to go to bed with is a euphemism for “Let me drift away from the land of the living” I can’t deal with it so I don’t visit her. My Mother is coming apart at the seams, her brother and law my Uncle is in an induced coma to get over what ails him. My Aunty is trying to get over Chicken pox and so she can’t do shit to help her husband. Mum is flying to Canberra tomorrow to help them out.

Family life is a bit crappy right now and I’m happy that my work life has stabilised. I’ve gotten closer to a few people and I’m no longer doing the TAC job. I’m in a stress free survey. Also got to sit next to someone awesome today.

It’s good that I can hold things together pretty well.  I don’t hide anything but I’m not broadcasting my situation. I’ve been keeping to myself more whilst slowly going out more often if that makes sence.

At my work I’m speaking to accident victims and generally its an easy job, one bad call in a bunch then smooth sailing. The last two days every call I had seemed to be a horror story about car crashes and being fucked over by the TAC. I reached my quota for the pain of others and I went home. I got enough to deal with without having to listen to harrowing and deeply depressing experiences on the phone every single conversation. As stable as I am, I’m just not equiped to deal with it repeatedly. The supes at work were rather good about and so was a higher up which caught me by surprise.

I love my place of emplyment.

The plotting is slow, even slower when I realised I needed a fully realised world in which to put my story. The Motorhead tunes help and I’m getting there. I have the first three parts of the story planned I just need to see how much more I need to conclude the first instalment. I also need to rewrite the outlines so they fit the world. I’m in no rush as long as I’m doing it.

The week I’ve had was filled with tiny pieces of awesome that made one big tower of awesome. Little moments of cool where I found people know me, but I can still surprise them. I am going to be a union delegate at work, I want more to do at a place I love and from my decision to be a voice I found respect, love and a totally new set of balls. I’ve had criticisms this week as to how I am from a person I respect and comments from others who can kiss my ass. Ultimately I am what I am and the people who dig me and I dig back they know what I’m like and don’t give a flying shit. There’s how I appear and what I’m really like and the people who know the difference are the people who are the awesome sauce. I don’t consider myself disrespectful. I am compassionate I respect the people I like. The way I choose to express myself is a way to keep acquaintances as acquaintances and the ones who look past a dirty word and innuendo have always been the ones that are with me for the long haul. I’m seriously shocked how well liked I am at my place of employment and every chance I get I pay back that love with a joke, a kind word or an awesome gesture. I am Luke Sims I say what I like and I do what I can and what I can do is bring the heat and the awesome sauce and I get it back in spades. I will raise a glass to those people who inspired me to grow a major pair of balls, the people who want to get hammered with me, the ones who see through my mask. I’m not in any way ashamed or embarrassed about who I am and those that are can read the badge. Life is good.

Making excuses for a minute to talk to someone. I feel childish, but it makes me happy. I’m a master of this.