August 15, 2010

Another relapse, another failure. I was back on the cigarettes. Now I’m on day five without.

To deal with this I decided to treat the addiction in a similar way I did with my depression, help. I called the Quit line and spoke to a woman for what felt like a long time. After it I chose a strategy we’d discussed and while the bastards are sometimes annoying I’m on the nicotine patches. One tiny problem is your supposed to put the patches in a hairless part of the body and never the same place two days in a row. I’m pretty much hairy all over, but the upper arms not so much so I grin and bare it.

The nicotine patches help, but only with the physical desire for a cigarette which leaves me to deal with the mental. The hands must stay busy, whether it be lollipops, reading or playing video games I’ve managed to avoid the temptation.

A side effect the Quit lady told me about with the patches were nightmares and fuck me, I don’t dream much but the last few nights have been messed up. The dreams disturb, but the sleep is strangely peaceful. A crap side effect for sure, but can handle it as long as my every waking moment is spent smoke free.

When I bought the patches the lady at the chemist suggested that I not take things one day at a time, but one craving at a time. This has helped.

On friday I went out to the usual dive and forgot to put on a patch. A million scotch and cokes later, a blurry forgotten bus ride home, a collapse onto the bed drifting off into nightmarish oblivion….. And I awoke happy with lungs that didn’t wheeze.

The depression and the first few times quitting I tried to show a Number 6 level of mental will and go it alone or with the smoking, cold turkey. That’s not possible I need help with these things. Even still after calling Quit and using the patches, I’ve kept this to myself. With the minimal help I’m getting I feel I can carry this.

Time for bed, watch something on the TV and drift off to sleep. The nightmares will pass and soon I’ll be back to the dreamless sleep I’m used to.


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